


Want Me Like A Wild Thing

by prettysosharp



Series: I Asked Him To Leave, He Asked Me To Stay [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad At Emotions, Canon Divergence, Cuddling, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Parabatai Bond, Sharing a Bed, Slash, Temporary Character Death, Understanding Magnus, jalec - Freeform, jalecgiftexchange2018, mentions of malec, mentions of past relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-18 23:43:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16129139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysosharp/pseuds/prettysosharp
Summary: Their Parabatai bond meant everything to them, despite feeling like a curse that kept them from committing entirely to each other. What do you do when everything in your life leads you to somewhere you're not supposed to be?





	1. Sorry For Lying With The Same Mouth I Kissed With

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sephirothflame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sephirothflame/gifts).



> I so hope I've fulfilled your requests to your liking, and that you enjoy the story. All chapters have been written, and the fic will be posted in its entirety by next Saturday. 
> 
> Story title from a line in the poem ‘When Rome Falls’ by Yves Olade. The chapbook the poem is in, Bloodsport, can be found [here](https://payhip.com/b/naHO). Chapter title from a line in the poem ‘Suburban Mirage Theory’ by Ashe Vernon, that can be found [here](http://latenightcornerstore.com/post/173436724758/im-sorry-for-the-love-that-i-knew-how-to-give). Canon compliant until end of 203. 
> 
> My endless love and thanks (for fixing my tenses and catching my frustrated slips back into Spanish) to V, Nik and the wife. Also Grammarly, even when it told me I was being too wordy. I'm going to go find some wine now to hopefully offset the anxiety over posting this. Enjoy!

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._

That was the only thought running through Jace’s mind as soft, desperate sobs clawed their way up his throat. One hand was pressed against the parabatai rune on his hip while the other rested at the back of Alec’s head, fingers curled tightly into the sweaty strands as he held the other man close. Their foreheads were pressed together as his lips moved, breath catching on every other word as he recited the oath they took long ago. His skin tingled with certainty - he _knew_ that he couldn’t possibly live in a world in which Alec no longer existed.

The thought alone tore a feral sound from his throat. He clutched his side again, eyes wide at the sharp, burning pain at his hip. He knew what it was, knew what it meant, and for a second his entire body froze, steeling itself for the wrenching of half his soul from that place deep inside him that only Alec had ever touched. It was the fluttering of his name across his mind that spurred him into action, lips pressing desperately to every inch of Alec’s face. Soft pleas following each one as he begged with every part of his being for Alec to come back, to take away the pain coursing through every part of his body. 

Everything else outside of him and Alec had ceased to exist. It was just the two of them until a sharp gasp pulled him back to the eyes trained on them from around the room. He didn’t have it in him to care, even as his gaze flickered from one set of eyes to the next. An unspoken apology furrowed between his eyebrows, the set of his jaw certain - _determined_ \- as he shifted his weight. He reached up with no hesitation, palm pressed as hard as he dared against Alec’s cheek, their mouths meeting in a way that felt natural. But his parabatai’s lips were unyielding and cool beneath his own. Tears blurred his vision, unnoticed as they slipped down his cheeks. 

Jace focused on the kiss, on the way his lips brushed against Alec’s as the same words spilled from his mouth in something that sounded too much like a benediction. 

_I need you, Alec. I love you._

He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally felt the pain begin to recede. There was a fire at his hip, but it didn't burn the way it should. He gasped and clawed the fabric of his shirt out of the way, a wash of comfort spurring his fingers on though there was no visible change, no tangible reason for the chaotic mess of _feelings_ behind the dull ache as he blindly traced the rune on his side. Jace tried to focus on each emotion, to turn them around in his mind when he felt Alec shift against him. Fingers grasped blindly at his wrists, curling around them until the grip was vice-like. Distantly, Jace registered that it should have hurt, but as he blinked away the tears, his watery gaze met half-opened eyes, and nothing else mattered. With just as little care for the audience they had the first time his lips had met Alec’s, he kissed him again, somehow even more desperately than before.

________________________________________

In the days that followed, Jace found himself going over and over what led him to semi-isolation. The reality was that he’d locked himself in a guest room at Magnus’ loft, both unwilling and unable to be any farther from Alec than absolutely necessary. As it was, even the several feet between them at any given time felt too far. Something was always there, tugging deep inside him, but it was worse at night when he was forced to curl up around himself to try and stave off the unavoidable loneliness. That was what pushed him to remember, even if only for a moment, the way it had felt.

There was no way to describe the overwhelming feeling of love and need and _rightness_ that had flooded his body as Alec’s mouth had started to move against his own. It was accompanied by the thrill of finally letting go of all his fears and feeling the other man’s hands move across his body. He had deepened the kiss until he could no longer tell which one of them was moaning, whimpering. There was a sense of relief as he’d shifted again, first to his knees and then into Alec’s lap, his body shuddering pleasantly as he pressed himself against him. It was something he could get lost in - that he’d almost gotten lost in - until their reality had slammed into him with an almost sickening force.

Mismatched eyes had flickered around the room again before landing on Magnus, his glamour down, no longer hiding his warlock mark. The gold seemed to shimmer with some unreadable emotion that, at the moment, Jace had only been able to attribute to barely restrained fury. 

After all, Alec was _his_ boyfriend. 

But, even beyond that, _this_ was illegal according to Clave law. The love Jace felt for his parabatai was something that they could be put on trial for, stripped of their runes and banished without thought. And while he didn’t much care what happened to himself, putting Alec through anything that could - and _would_ \- hurt him was _unthinkable_.

Jace had clambered off of Alec, clumsy and unsteady as his feet hit the floor. He had barely spared a moment to right himself before fleeing the room, his steps leading him toward the loft door before stilling suddenly. As uncomfortable as he was, and as much as he knew he _needed_ to give the other’s space and time with his parabatai, he couldn’t force himself to actually leave. He’d changed directions almost without thinking about it, locking the door to the bedroom he’d been occupying since Aldertree had all but kicked him out of the Institute. The very same bedroom that Magnus had allowed him to use when he’d come knocking at the Warlock’s apartment looking for a place to stay. With a resigned sigh, he turned and slid to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest.

________________________________________

Several more days passed in much the same manner, with Jace sneaking out in the middle of the night to return to the Institute just long enough to shower, change, and find himself something to eat. The trips didn’t usually last more than a couple of hours before he returned to Magnus’ loft and the bed that had been witness to more of his worries and tears than any sentient being had ever been. Alec included. He curled up in the bed, the bow of his back pressed against the wall and the palm of his hand pressed to the rune on his side. He’d been able to feel the way the connection had been stitching itself back together since his parabatai had come back to him, from wherever he’d been trapped. It didn’t matter that he’d been gone for less than a minute - their bond had been stretched too thin all the same, and the distance between them did nothing but add to the discomfort of only being able to feel small bursts from Alec that never lasted long enough to calm his anxious, racing thoughts.

It wasn’t until nearly a week later that Jace caught a glimpse of Alec. He was standing in the middle of the living room, shirtless, sweatpants hanging low, as one hand pressed into the identical rune at his side. Jace was as familiar with the hard lines and sharp angles of the other man’s body as he was his own - his eyes picked out the tension across the other man’s shoulders easily. But he stepped away even as he reached out, back hitting the wall with a dull thud that made him curse inwardly as Alec turned towards him. His expression was unreadable for a moment before transforming into some combination of relief and what looked an awful lot like _love_. 

“ _Jace_.” 

His name in Alec’s mouth sounded more like a gasp, and the only thing Jace _wanted_ to do was move closer, press himself against the other man’s chest in a long overdue embrace. He’d been away from his parabatai for too long, and the ache of missing such an integral part of himself pressed against the walls he’d erected. As Alec took several quick steps in his direction, reaching out with his hand _and_ through their bond, the caress of some inexplicable emotion forced Jace to turn away. It was too much all at once, and he stumbled over his own feet as he half-ran back to the guest room. The door closed behind him with a soft click, and Jace was quick to draw a locking rune across the wood before retreating to the plush bed in the center of the room. He rubbed roughly at his eyes with hands curled into tight fists and, for a moment, he couldn’t figure out why they were wet until the barely muffled sobs broke free. Nothing, not even the worst injuries suffered in the field, hurt as much as this did. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, back straight and shoulders tense in anticipation of a knock that never came.

________________________________________

It was like they were playing a game that no one seemed to really know the rules to. As usual, there was a thread of mutual understanding in everything they did. Jace wasn’t going anywhere, not anytime soon or on any kind of permanent basis, but he still kept to himself until he was sure the other two men had retired to their rooms for the night. It was only then that he crept down the hall as carefully and quietly as possible, hunger gnawing at his insides, pushing him to the kitchen. He didn’t know when exactly it was that he stopped returning to the Institute, but it was somehow more comfortable this way. The _need_ to be as close to Alec as physically possible manifested in an uncomfortable kind of pain anytime he was away from him for too long. And so they existed in limbo, ships passing in the night. Jace thought that it suited them - both stoic and unfeeling in a way that only Shadowhunters could be. Unfortunately, even that had become something of an unspoken lie when he felt _too much_ all the time.

Then the Inquisitor had arrived, determined to rein her two greatest fighters back in. They’d been given their time to sort through what had happened, to heal from their injuries and to repair their parabatai bond, but now it was time to get back to work. The war raging around them hadn’t stopped to accommodate their needs, and it was a haltingly apologetic Izzy that had delivered the news to the pair. Their presence had been requested back at the Institute, and the phrasing of the words made it abundantly clear that it was a request that couldn’t be turned down regardless of how much Jace wanted to do exactly that. He nodded tersely, arms wrapping around his middle in a gesture so achingly defensive that the younger woman didn’t hold back from flinging herself against his chest. Her arms wrapped around his middle, too, gaze flickering to his face. The expression she wore spoke volumes - _it’s going to be okay_ her eyes assured him - and Jace couldn’t bite back the pained whimper that escaped. 

As much as he didn’t want to let that hope blossom inside him, he couldn’t help but hold on to the possibility that, maybe, Izzy was right. She knew them almost as well as they knew themselves and each other. Jace trusted her more than he did almost anyone else. 

Except for Alec. 

Alec with his intense, knowing gaze and the tendrils of concern and care reaching out through their bond as tentatively as he could manage. 

Alec with that same look of relief and maybe-love replacing the practiced detachment that had been there only seconds prior.

Alec with the questions in his eyes, lingering on the tip of his tongue, even though the only sound that escaped his slightly parted lips was a sigh. 

Jace retreated again before anyone could say anything, under the guise of needing to pack, knowing that it would take the night to prepare himself for direct contact with Alec again.

________________________________________

There was a stubborn set to Jace’s jaw as he and Alec squared off against each other in the training room. It was too much and not enough and he hated himself for the almost desperate edge in his movements as they circled each other. Over a decade of training together, combined with their parabatai bond, made them as close to equals as possible in hand-to-hand combat. That alone made Jace intimately familiar with the ways in which he needed to outsmart the other man if he wanted to beat him. Alas, the hesitance he sensed through their shared bond unnerved him in every possible way.

“Come on, Alec,” he growled, feet crossing over each other as he began circling again. “We need this.”

It was strange to Jace how their roles were almost reversed now. Being at the Institute and having a general purpose to his actions had awoken something in him once again. He was a soldier, first and foremost, and they both had a job to do. Anything else he might feel for the man across from him didn’t matter when they were all fighting for their lives and the lives of the people they cared about. Whatever else existed was shoved down, buried beneath constant reminders that he could never have Alec in the way that he wanted him, and his only comfort was that he at least got him like this.

Alec was the other half of a soul that he could feel pulsing against his ribcage until he consciously blocked it out. Jace didn’t want to feel _that_ \- not right now - and he could sense the precise moment that Alec realized the exact same thing. 

“This is not what we _need_ ,” Alec murmured instead, easily sidestepping an attack from his parabatai with a soft, frustrated sigh. “I don’t _want_ to fight with you.” 

A mirrored desperation gave an edge to his tone as Alec stepped forward and to the left, having been pulled from his thoughts when Jace had moved in for another strike. The emotional distance between them was as unbearable as it had been since his parabatai had run from Magnus’ room when he’d woken up. At the memory, the fingers of his free hand pressed against his mouth, remembering the way he’d felt when their lips had been moving in the same kind of ease that the two men moved around each other at any other time, in every other way. There was nothing he could think of that had ever felt more incredible, more _right_ , and though he’d been worried about how Magnus would react to what he’d witnessed between the two men, he’d quickly realized that there wasn’t any need for that.

For a reason that Alec still couldn’t quite pin down, the warlock was both understanding and accepting - all while being _maddeningly_ cryptic, with his secret smiles and the sharing of wisdom he’d gathered over the course of the centuries he’d been alive. Alec was _tired_ of trying to decipher the way he waxed poetic about all the intricacies of love and relationships, tired of trying to solve the riddles that came paired with a knowing smirk - especially while _still_ trying to draw Jace back to him. It was too much to deal with both at once, so he had resolved himself to only worry about anything else once he got Jace to _stop_ running from him.

“We need to _talk_ ,” he continued, stressing the last word as he dodged yet another blow. And as much as Alec hated having to talk about feelings and emotions and whatever this thing was between them, he was willing to work through the discomfort of it if that meant Jace would do the same. “ _Please_ , Jace… Parabatai…?”

His voice was barely a whisper, but Alec easily spotted the precise moment Jace’s demeanor changed as the creases across his forehead smoothed out, and his shoulders sagged forward. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” The lie felt leaden on his tongue because Jace knew that the opposite was true, but what was there to say about what he’d done?

Alec’s answering frown spoke volumes, and he hesitated for only a moment before taking slow steps forward. Jace was much like a wounded animal, and he was afraid that any sudden movements would scare him away again. But he needed to be close - _closer_ \- because he missed his other half more than he could ever put into words. He pushed it through their bond, careful not to startle the other man, but ever watchful as Jace squeezed his eyes closed.

“Look at me.” His words were so soft that Alec wasn’t altogether sure he’d actually said them out loud until Jace’s eyes flashed open. They could still read each other as well as they’d ever been able to, which was made easier when he could feel _everything_ the other man felt just as well as he could see it in the mismatched gaze. 

Worry and fear; uncertainty and frustration. That much Alec already expected. It was the current beneath all that, getting stronger with every second that passed, that made him stumble-stop, eyes wide at the combination of love and lust that bounced between them before receding just as quick. 

“There’s _nothing_ to talk about,” Jace repeated, voice harder than it had been, as he retreated again.

Confusion and hurt followed Jace from the training room, the feel of it as overwhelming as every other emotion that had made his body its home. But there was a comfort in the way it reinforced his decision to keep some distance between the two of them. Alec deserved better than the nothing he had to offer, and he’d found that in Magnus.

It was almost enough to remember that, at the very least, Alec was in love and happy - happier than Jace had ever known him to be. Even beneath the amalgamation of feelings he himself had caused, Alec was meant to be with Magnus.


	2. You Are All Old Aches And Forced Bravado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is part two of this little fic I wrote for the summer Jalec Gift Exchange. Chapter title from a line in the poem ‘Letters To My Body: The Shoulders’ by Ashe Vernon, that can be found [here](http://latenightcornerstore.com/post/173372635157/oh-little-darling-atlas-has-nothing-on-you-you). Enjoy!

Everything seemed to shift for Jace after that, with a gradual acceptance of his feelings for Alec. They were complicated, wrapped up in over a decade of not recognizing the love he felt and tangled up with the understanding that he had no choice but to accept that he’d taken any other option off the table when he’d asked Alec to be his parabatai. It was all he could do to bury those feelings, hide behind all the confidence and swagger he could muster and tear himself away from the constant pull of the bond pulsing at his side. It was for the best, what they both needed, or at least that was what Jace told himself in an impossible mantra. 

Still, if there was an opportunity to escape the quiet air scrutiny that was weighing him down at the loft, he didn’t hesitate to take it. Anything was better than thinking about everything he could have had. Thinking about the what-if’s wouldn’t get him anywhere. Their parabatai bond had taken away any chance of something more. Despite that, Jace knew that he didn’t want a life in which he couldn’t feel the steady thrum of Alec’s soul, his heart beating in tandem with his own, tucked somewhere deep inside him.

Jace threw himself into whatever distractions he could find instead. Solo patrols around the Institute, hoping for a demon to appear as an outlet for his many frustrations; nights that resulted in him stumbling into the loft half-drunk and very rarely alone. He could feel the irritation that wasn’t his own, and a heaviness in the air as Magnus regarded him over the top of his glass. It was all he could do to pointedly ignore both as he stumbled to his bedroom, locking the door behind him. 

Falling back on old habits was supposed to be easy, or so he’d told himself. After all, nothing had actually changed between the parabatai pair despite Jace’s recent epiphanies, and the stream of women - Shadowhunters, mundanes, and downworlders alike - was all for show; a carefully crafted façade that Jace hoped would dissuade any questions about what had happened the night he’d kissed Alec. 

Except it didn’t matter who he brought home, or how many times he tried to lose himself in the familiarity of physical pleasure when that kiss was all Jace could think about. He found himself comparing whomever he happened to be sharing a bed with to his parabatai in too many ways to count, and it was always with a dissatisfied groan that he’d tear himself away, face turned pointedly in the opposite direction until they were gone.

________________________________________

The plan to keep as much distance between himself and Alec wasn’t failproof. Jace had known that when he’d concocted it in the first place, half-delirious with need. He’d done his best to block their bond, if only to keep his feelings from bleeding through, from arousing any more confusion, and from widening the chasm that had been created the moment their lips had met.

No amount of distance and blocking could have helped anyone in the aftermath of the Soul Sword incident. He’d only wanted to help, to do the _right_ thing and save their world from the man he’d believed to be his father. Unfortunately, Jace’s impulsive, self-sacrificial plan had backfired spectacularly.

With the deaths of so many downworlders weighing heavily on his conscience, there had been too much of everything for Jace to focus on keeping his feelings from Alec. When his bondmate found him going at the punching bag a little too hard in the training room and offered to spar with him instead, saying no hadn’t even crossed Jace’s mind. It was exactly what he’d needed, and he’d been grateful to Alec for knowing that. And for not going easy on him. 

It felt natural to give in to the rhythmic push and pull of their bodies - they easily fell back in sync with each other in Jace’s vulnerable state. They were too well-matched, too familiar with each other, for either of them to get the upper hand for long. Until something in the look Alec gave him as they stepped apart again made Jace falter - an error his Parabatai had been quick to take advantage of.

They’d hit the mat hard, and Alec pinned him down with his entire body. It had been obvious from the look on his face that he planned on using their current position to his advantage, but before he could get a word out, Jace pushed back against him - _hard_ \- to reverse their position. Before they’d even stopped moving, Jace was on his feet again, barely sparing Alec a glance as he escaped to his room, trying to tamp down on the sudden burst of arousal that had flooded his body as he moved. 

He could only hope that Alec hadn’t felt anything.

Neither his embarrassment or the ice-cold water that pelted down on him from above, once he stepped into the shower, seemed to have had any effect on the problem that had arisen - a fact that Jace lamented as he pressed his forehead to the tiled walls. His self-control, formidable as it might sometimes be, was no match for the heat that had pooled in his stomach.

Jace's hand was curled into a tight fist and pressed against the wall beside his head as he tried to will the feeling away. It seemed, though, that the harder he tried, the more persistent the thoughts became. The images that assaulted him, like a film reel on fast forward, would have been nothing short of innocent at any other time, in any other context - the way Alec moved with a subconscious grace that belied the power he possessed; the teasing glint he got in his eyes every time they were sparring; the way he looked when he was shirtless, skin glistening with sweat beneath the low light of the training center. They were anything but innocent now, and Jace was unbearably hard as he curled and uncurled his hand in a steady rhythm, trying to fight the urge that had risen up in him. 

With a frustrated groan at the futility of it all, Jace abandoned all pretenses as his hand slid down his torso, soft gasps falling from his mouth at the way his abdomen contracted beneath his touch. The act itself was familiar, but he had never felt quite as _desperate_ for it as he did now. Rivulets of water ran down his bare skin, still overheated despite the spray from above, and it was easy enough to close his eyes and imagine it was Alec’s tongue tracing every dip and curve until he was looking up at him from down on his knees. He choked on a moan at the thought of it as he thrust forward instinctively, into the palm that he’d _finally_ wrapped firmly around his cock. It was a cheap mimicry of what it was he _really_ wanted, but it _still_ felt good. That was all that mattered.

The images that passed through Jace's mind like a reel on fast forward were soon replaced by thoughts of Alec straddling his hips, chest heaving with every breath he took as he pinned him to the ground. They drowned out the silent admonishments that had been there since he'd first kissed Alec, and he groaned loudly as he indulged in the memory. Every slow stroke was the equivalent of pouring gasoline on an open flame, and he bit down on his lip nearly hard enough to draw blood if only to suppress the sounds that clawed its way up from his chest. He craved a touch that wasn't his own, wanted nothing more than to feel his parabatai against him, inside him, and the thought of it alone made him that much more desperate.

Even though Jace knew he'd hate himself for it later, it was too easy to get lost in the pleasure that seemed to burn through his body from the inside out. His movements sped up, teetered on the knife's edge of pleasure and pain, as his head fell back, soft pants falling from slightly parted lips, and he couldn't have stopped his thoughts from getting away from him even if he wanted to - especially not when images of Alec, naked and hard and just as desperate as he hovered above him, pressed into him, played behind his closed eyelids. 

Jace choked on another low moan as he came suddenly, spilling himself on the shower walls. 

He was quick to finish his shower after that, drying himself off and wrapping a towel around his waist before making his way back to his room and collapsing atop his mattress with a discontented sigh.

________________________________________

If there was only one good thing their visit to the Seelie Court had given Jace, it was the absolute certainty that whatever he’d felt for Clary before he’d believed they were siblings was unequivocally in the past. He had assumed that it’d been the same for her, too, and when the Queen had told her that the only thing that would set him and Simon free would be the kiss Clary most desired, his only thought was that they’d get it over with so they could return to New York. To say that he’d been shocked when that hadn’t produced the intended results would’ve been an understatement, and all he’d been able to muster in the aftermath was an apologetic attempt at a smile before leaving Clary and Simon at the entrance to the Seelie Court.

It was easy to get lost in the city after that, and Jace reveled in the anonymity of it all as he wandered aimlessly up one block and down the next. There was too much on his mind, too many thoughts that needed to be picked apart, and the mindless motions of only needing to put one foot in front of the other without the added worry of duty and honor - at least for the moment - seemed to help. If nothing else, it presented an opportunity for him to think about all that had transpired since his escape from Valentine’s clutches - something that he’d been hesitating to do since Alec had woken up. 

Now, though, with the added knowledge that his almost-relationship with Clary was well and truly in the past, it felt as if there was nothing left for Jace to do _but_ examine his feelings. The thought alone made his chest tighten, anxiety welling up so suddenly that he nearly tripped on the sidewalk. It was only a lifetime’s worth of training, and the quick reflexes that came with it, that prevented him from actually falling. Still, it took a moment longer than he would have liked to gather himself enough to move away from the bustling crowds of commuters going about their days. He wasn’t naive enough to believe they lived easy lives, but that didn’t stop the envy that spread throughout every part of him as he climbed up a fire escape and watched them moving from above.

The distraction didn’t last for long, and it was with a sigh that Jace moved away from the edge of the rooftop. He paced as he thought, his steps carrying from one side of the building to the other, over and over again, weeks worth of frustrations rising to the surface unprompted with every thought he examined in his head. 

It was easy to start with the facts; the things Jace knew to be true, beyond a shadow of a doubt. The first of those was that Alec and Magnus were together, happy, and the last thing he had ever wanted to do was get in the way of that. The second was that somehow, for some terrifying reason, Jace had fallen in love with his parabatai. The fact that this was illegal in the eyes of the Clave, punishable by being de-runed and separated, _should have_ been the most prominent worry in his mind - he couldn’t even begin to imagine living a life in which he and Alec weren’t connected - but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Even as Jace sat down on the edge of the roof again, he knew the only thing that _really_ mattered was finding a way to exist with those feelings without hurting anyone any more than he already had. And though he had no idea on how to accomplish that, he knew where and how he needed to start. Not for the first time since this whole thing began, he found himself wondering how long he could realistically put off talking to Alec. 

The truth was that it had already been _too long_.

Jace heaved a sigh as he pushed himself to his feet. There was no need to continue avoiding the inevitable, and though he’d been the one to dodge this particular conversation, it was time to stop running from the truth.

________________________________________

“Jace is…”

A frown turned down the corners of Jace’s mouth as he entered the loft, ears strained to hear more of whatever conversation he’d interrupted. It wasn’t really a conscious decision to eavesdrop, but his curiosity got the better of him _because_ he’d heard his name. 

“My _parabatai_ ,” Alec hissed in response, and it was easy for Jace to picture the expression that had accompanied his words. “That has to be the only thing that matters.”

Jace’s frown deepened, despite knowing that Alec was right. It didn’t matter how either of them felt about each other, or _if_ Alec still felt the same way he had before, when anything more than what they were was illegal. Still, knowing that didn’t stop the way his heart clenched painfully in his chest at the opportunity that had been missed all because he’d been too blind to his own feelings until it was too late. Though it wasn’t likely to be a better option than dealing with the myriad of thoughts spinning through his mind, Jace shifted his attention back to the conversation between Alec and Magnus instead. 

They were talking about him, after all, or at least that was how he justified it to himself as he activated his hearing rune just in time to hear Magnus continue. 

“You can’t just turn your feelings off and on like a light switch, Alexander, and I’ve been alive long enough to know that they’re never as black and white as we might wish they were.” There was a lightness to his voice that confused Jace, especially under the circumstances. 

“I shouldn’t have these feelings at all, but I can’t… I can’t stop thinking that, if _he_ does, too…” 

“The Clave and their antiquated laws,” Magnus murmured as he cut Alec off. “How can anyone expect two people to bind themselves, _their very souls_ , together without falling in love with each other? You can fight and die both for and with one another but being in love is where they draw the line?”

It was silent for a moment, long enough that Jace almost left the loft again, and then, “you deserve to be _happy_ , Alexander.” He paused then, clearing his throat before going on. “I can’t tell you what that’ll look like for you, but you owe it to yourself, to me, and to Jace to figure that out.” 

For a moment, all Jace could focus on was the maelstrom of emotions coming from the other side of their bond before it gave way to some combination of guilt and hope. He couldn’t tell where those particular feelings originated from - was it himself, was it Alec, or were they both feeding into it, making it feel all that much more intense?

“But,” Alec started again, voice breaking a little around the single word. “I _love_ you.” Jace could hear the soft shuffle of feet against the carpet, could guess from the way the pitch of his voice had dropped when he started speaking again that he’d closed whatever distance had been between himself and Magnus.

“I know you do, and I love you, too. But… you also love _him_ , and while I may have hoped you’d be able to move on from those feelings, with time, the way you feel about Jace is one of the very first things I knew about you.” A frown stole over Jace’s face once again as he wondered, and not for the first time, how he’d been so blind to Alec’s feelings for him when everyone else seemed to pick up on it right away. There was no time to explore that thought any further, though, and he shook his head in an effort to refocus his attention, breath caught in his throat as he waited. 

“What,” Alec paused for a moment, clearing his throat softly, before continuing with, “what does that mean for _us_?”

“Neither of us can say what the future will bring. We may find our way back to each other, and we may not, but I’ll always be here for you, Alexander, regardless of what happens.” 

Jace deactivated his hearing rune as he retreated, head filled with more thoughts than he knew what to do with. A part of him wanted to be hopeful, maybe even _happy_ , that Alec’s feelings for him hadn’t changed. That part was easily quieted when he thought about Magnus and the relationship Alec had already been happy in, that had been ruined because he’d lacked restraint or the emotional capacity to parse his own feelings _before_ anyone had gotten hurt.

Alec _deserved_ better than that.


	3. You Accept The Necessary Casualties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part three of this little fic I wrote for the summer Jalec Gift Exchange has arrived. Chapter title from a line in the poem ‘Pockets Full Of Other People's Hurting’ by Ashe Vernon, that can be found [here](http://latenightcornerstore.com/post/153360490610/nobody-knew-what-to-look-for-when-i-was-breaking). Enjoy!

The first thing Jace was aware of as his eyes snapped open, breath leaving him in a harsh gasp, was a pain that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere all at once. It was more than bone deep, though the aches and pains that seemed to have become a permanent fixture in his life of late were certainly present and accounted for. This was something more than that. As he took in his surroundings with a slow turn of his head, the pieces seemed to slot back into place with a startling clarity he wasn’t entirely sure he should be grateful for. 

He had _died_. 

Jace was almost certain of that, but he struggled to reconcile the memory of Valentine driving a blade through his heart with the fact that he was alive now. _Or so it seemed_.

He groaned as he shifted, one hand moving to his chest while he used the other to brace himself on the hard, wet ground so that he could push himself up. However, before he could get far, Clary was there, holding him steady, hovering in front of him as she checked him over, activating the healing runes he himself had completely forgotten about in the midst of his confusion. Her presence was but a small comfort in the disconcerting world that Jace had woken up in. He came back to himself little by little, though, jumbled thoughts fitting themselves together like a Picasso painting. The only thing he knew, the one thing he was certain of, was that the person he both needed _and_ wanted right then was Alec.

He clambered to his feet at the realization, ready to leave Lake Lyn behind in search of his parabatai, but before he could make his thoughts known to a confused-looking Clary standing beside him, a nearby rustle had him turning on the spot, pulling out his Seraph blade with an ease that could only come from years of training. As soon as his gaze landed on the trio moving toward them, though, it fell to the ground without a thought. 

“ _Alec_.” The entreaty wasn’t much more than a gasp, voice barely audible over the sudden rush of blood in his ears and the steady thumping of his heart against his ribcage. Before he could say much else, or even begin to articulate the myriad of thoughts that were swirling through his mind, there was a body crashing into his, strong arms wrapping around his shoulders, firm hands pressed against his back and sliding down and then back up again as if his parabatai needed his touch to reassure himself that it was _real_. This thought was only solidified when Jace felt Alec’s hand moving, fingers grasping at the hem of his shirt until they were pressed against his skin, tracing the rune that connected them as if he’d memorized every line and curve from sight alone. His touch was almost reverent and Jace choked on a sob as he pressed himself against Alec’s chest, face buried in the side of his neck, and arms winding tightly around his middle. Even then, it didn’t feel close enough, and all Jace really wanted to do - impossible as it was to actually accomplish - was climb into his skin, bury himself somewhere near the heart that beat in tandem with his own. 

Jace didn’t know how long they’d stood there like that, wrapped up in each other in a way that he’d craved for far longer than he’d ever let on, but that didn’t matter. It couldn’t, not when he finally felt _complete_ , and certainly not when Alec _allowed_ him this closeness, holding all the broken pieces together in a way no one else had ever been able to. 

In a way no one else would ever _be_ able to. 

His thoughts were a litany of half-finished apologies that got caught at the tip of his tongue, and before he could put a voice to them, Alec was pulling away just far enough to look him over. His eyes were scrutinizing even as his hands moved over him, searching in a way Jace was familiar with from years of cleaning and dressing and healing each other’s wounds. Alec didn’t need to say anything when his hand came away with half-dried blood on the pads of his fingers. The look of pain and an unrecognizable emotion pulled another anguished sob from deep within Jace’s chest, forced him to look down, away, as shame and guilt merged together. 

“You _promised_ you would be _careful_ ,” was all Alec said, gaze narrowed as he wiped the blood from his hand and, more carefully this time, pulled Jace back in for a hug so tight that he almost couldn’t breathe. It didn’t bother him. How could it when Alec’s touch was the only thing he’d been craving from the moment he’d opened his eyes to this new life that he wasn’t entirely sure he deserved. His thoughts came to an abrupt halt at the brushing of Alec’s lips along the side of his face as the other man continued speaking, voice just as choked up as Jace felt when he said, “ _I can’t live without you_.”

“ _You won’t have to_.” Jace’s response came easily as he pulled his head back, tilted his face up to look into Alec’s eyes. He knew that it was a promise he couldn’t make, their lives being what it was, but he had never been so certain that he’d do everything in his power to make it so until right then. He could _feel_ his parabatai’s pain alongside his own, their rune pulsing with the shared grief of having lost each other - _again_ \- and he knew with a certainty he hadn’t felt in a long time that he’d do _anything_ he could, _everything_ in his power to spare Alec from having to go through that one more time. 

Before he could elaborate any further, his head spinning with thoughts and words that felt like barely contained chaos beneath the weight of all that had happened recently - especially with Max nearly dying and having to kill the Shadowhunter they’d come to know as Sebastian Verlac after learning of his true identity - Izzy was pushing her way between the two of them. She didn’t say a word as she wrapped her arms around Jace, holding him nearly as tightly as her brother had been. Returning her embrace was somehow both the easiest and most difficult thing he’d ever done, especially as he watched Alec straighten up, turn soldier once more, over the top of her head. 

Whatever moment they’d allowed themselves after his arrival at Lake Lyn had passed, and Jace was almost certain that was probably for the best. He could barely tamp down the disappointment that surged through him at the thought.

________________________________________

It was hours later, after Jace had filled Alec in on every last detail he could remember of the night - with Clary volunteering the information from the parts he couldn’t have possibly known for himself - that they were finally granted a reprieve. It was, after all, a time to celebrate. Valentine Morgenstern was _dead_ , and that alone should have made Jace _happy_. There was an unexpected grief that came along with it, though, loathe as he was to admit to such a thing, and as much as he tried to _hide_ that from everyone around them - Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike - celebrating was the absolute _last_ thing Jace wanted to do. He sat at the bar anyway, staring into the amber liquid that filled the glass on the counter in front of him as if it held answers to questions he’d never have the chance to ask now.

There was also a sense of shame in his grief for the man he’d known as his father. It felt pathetic to mourn him after the way he’d been brought up, and all that had happened since Valentine’s reappearance in the Shadow World, but those feelings were there all the same. No amount of liquor could change that, but knowing so didn’t stop him from downing the entirety of the glass in one go - his fourth of the night if his count was correct - before setting it back down and waiting for a refill he knew would come momentarily. He had no space in his head for anything else - not even the way he could feel Alec’s eyes burning into the back of his head, his presence only ever far enough away to keep up appearances in front of family, friends, and allies. 

It was for the best, Jace was certain of it, but that didn’t mean he _liked_ it. He wanted nothing more than to have his parabatai at his side, especially with the weight of what had happened sitting so heavily on his shoulders. Every pat on the back or attempt at a congratulatory hug left a bitter taste in his mouth that had nothing to do with the amount of liquor he’d consumed, and he knew Alec would help him bear the brunt of it, to hold him up when he felt as if the slightest breeze would make him crumble, but he couldn’t ask for it right then.

After a cursory glance around Hunter’s Moon, he noticed Alec slipping out a side door with Magnus following close behind, and made to slip away as well. Pressing through the mass of bodies was easier than he’d expected it to be, everyone too preoccupied with the undercurrent of joy Jace could feel pulsing through the room. He breathed deeply as soon as he hit the sidewalk outside. Every slow inhale and sharp exhale was just grounding enough to clear some of the haze from his mind, helping him to think just a little clearer than he had been, despite his current inebriated state. 

Then the pain hit, forcing the air from his lungs as Jace doubled over, one hand wrapped around his middle as he stuck the other out, braced for impact with the cold, hard concrete beneath him. It was fierce and biting, making him gasp helplessly as tears stung at his eyes, slid down his cheeks unbidden, and for one wild, fleeting moment, Jace was _certain_ that the second-life he’d been granted was being taken away again. How fitting it seemed, at least to him, that he wouldn’t be deserving of the Angel’s gift, and the only thing he could focus on was how his death - not even the heroes one he’d always imagined for himself - would affect Alec. 

His Parabatai, the better, much more noble part of his soul, had _always_ deserved better than this, better than him, and now he would have to suffer, too. Breathless apologies directed at him fell from Jace’s lips as he focused on their shared bond, pushing everything he had ever felt - even all the things he’d tried his damnedest to keep hidden - toward Alec while he tried to breathe through the pain before it could overwhelm him any further. If this was all he had left, the last moments of a life that had been fraught with more agony than any one person should ever have had to live with, he wanted to use it to at least _try_ to make sure that Alec knew how he felt. 

And, as he finally blacked out, body hitting the sidewalk before he could even register what was happening, it was with nothing but Alec’s smiling face at the forefront of his mind.

________________________________________

The first time Jace came to, he’d had no idea of where he was, how he’d gotten there, or even how much time had passed. It took several long minutes of near-panicked breaths before he even opened his eyes, blinking against the sudden intrusion of light shining down on him from above before turning his head just enough to take in the space he was currently occupying. The thought that he had survived whatever pain had assaulted him when he’d left the celebration was a fleeting one, quickly replaced by the fact that whatever afterlife he’d found himself in looked a lot like the inside of Alec’s room at the Institute. He would know, of course, considering all the time he’d spent in it when they were growing up, and a wry smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he allowed himself to drift off again.

The room was darker the second time he woke and, yet, the only thing he could focus on was the warmth pressed against his back and the arms wrapped tightly around his waist. It was so reminiscent of when they were younger, that he didn’t need to open his eyes to know that it was Alec. Even if they hadn’t been parabatai, he would have recognized the comfort, rightness, and sense of belonging that he’d only ever felt with one person. Still, Jace couldn’t decide if this was Heaven or Hell - not when he was being given everything he could have ever asked for, had he known enough to ask for it in the first place, despite the nagging feeling that it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be, but pretending otherwise was preferable - at least for the time being - and it was with that thought in mind that he fell back asleep again. 

By the third time, Alec was impatient enough to prod at Jace until his eyes flashed open, annoyance giving way to a grin so contagious he could only smile in return. Neither man said anything at first, too preoccupied with taking each other in, committing each other to memory all over again - as if they hadn’t already spent nearly half their lives doing exactly that. 

“You’re _awake_.” It was Alec who spoke first, and Jace’s eyebrows furrowed together at the words, his brain trying desperately to catch up with what was happening around him. His own memories, blurred as they were, didn’t seem to fit their current situation, and he struggled to find an appropriate response, mouth opening and closing like a fish who had suddenly found himself stuck on dry land. 

“Is this Heaven?” He finally asked, curiosity coloring his tone as he shifted into a seated position, ignoring the way this version of Alec - much like his own Alec - tried to press him back to the mattress, chastising him for moving too quickly when a wince took over his face, stele already in hand in case he needed to redraw Jace’s healing runes.

Alec’s confusion quickly gave way to understanding, and he rolled his eyes fondly, a soft laugh accompanying his expression. Reaching out with one hand, he brushed the loose strands of hair out of Jace’s face with only the slightest bit of hesitation, touch more gentle than Jace had ever known it to be. His mouth opened as if to answer Jace’s question, before snapping closed only a second later. His expression shifted, too, determination etched into every line as he moved atop the mattress, rearranged himself until he was on his knees beside him, one hand braced on the headboard. His hands fluttered in the air above Jace’s shoulders for a moment, before they moved as well, one cradling his jaw while the other moved to press against the bared rune that he’d drawn there himself when they’d bound their souls together so many years ago. 

Then, before Jace could register what was happening, Alec’s mouth was on his. The kiss was hot and wet and desperate, and before he could overthink it, Jace was kissing him back, opening up to him like it was the most natural thing in the world. His tongue pressed into Alec’s mouth, tentatively at first, gauging his reaction and groaning at the taste of him. The sound that fell from his lips was loud, echoing around the room as Jace pulled back slowly, teeth catching on Alec’s bottom lip. He tugged at gently as they caught their breaths, foreheads resting against each other, and the only thought reverberating in Jace’s head was that he never wanted to _stop_ kissing him.

And, _oh_ , it was _real_. 

He was, somehow, _still_ alive, and _his_ Alec was the one beside him, body firm as it swayed even further into his space, nearly blanketing him in a way that shouldn’t have been as comforting as it was. There was nowhere else Jace wanted to be, then or _ever_ , and the thought was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. If it had been nearly impossible to resist the temptation Alec presented after their first kiss, the one Jace had spent so much time agonizing over, he had no doubts whatsoever that there was anything in the universe that would be able to stop him now. 

Except himself. 

He frowned, shifted back so he could look at Alec - _really_ look at him, for what seemed like the first time in his life. The myriad of emotions that flickered across his face - a combination of love and desire and awe, amongst so many other things that he’d never before dared to recognize - made Jace’s breath catch for a moment, finally understanding just how blind and foolish he’d been for so many, many years.

Jace swallowed around the lump in his throat as he leaned in again, the kiss barely more than a brush of lips this time as he breathed Alec in. There were things they needed to discuss, truths that Jace knew they’d both kept from each other over the years - most of them out of necessity - and as much as he hated having to do so, he leaned away again, speaking into the scant space between their mouths.

“We should talk.” The ‘ _first, before we do anything else_ ’ was implied in the imploring look Jace offered, eyebrows drawn together and hands falling to his sides. It was about more than what had happened since he’d _died_ , only to be brought back to life again by Clary’s impulsive wish - though what had happened outside of the bar wasn’t very high on the list of things Jace had on his mind. Alec nodded slightly, worry lines creasing his forehead as he moved to sit back beside him instead. 

“Yeah,” he started, voice trembling in a way that only someone completely attuned to him would even pick up on. “We really do.”


	4. No Damnation Ever Looked As Cozy As This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this little story of mine has come to an end with part four of this little fic I wrote for the summer Jalec Gift Exchange. Chapter title from a line in the poem ‘Profane’ by Ashe Vernon, that can be found [here](http://latenightcornerstore.com/post/100144500080/the-first-time-he-calls-you-holy-you-laugh-it). Enjoy!

Silence lingered in the air for a few long moments, heavy and electric between them. They both had so many questions they wanted to ask the other, but neither of them was immediately willing to be the one who started. 

Years of shared history somehow made it both easier and more difficult at the same time. 

“You _died_ at Lake Lyn.” It was Alec who finally started, gaze cutting sideways as he tentatively traced lines along the back of Jace’s hand. “I felt…” Empty didn’t seem like a strong enough word to describe the gaping void that had been left inside him when the tether that connected them both had broken, ripping their souls apart. It had been _agonizing_ , and all Alec could do was gesture absently in a way that he hoped would convey what he couldn’t even begin to find the words for. 

For his part, Jace understood, had felt an echo of the same once before. Without thought, his free hand moved to his left flank, pressed against the rune burned into his skin as if to assure himself it was still there. “I _can’t_ …” his voice stuttered to a stop, thick with emotion that he tried to swallow around as he blinked back tears that threatened to spill before going on. “I always _knew_ that I couldn’t live _without you_ , but feeling you slip away to somewhere I almost couldn’t reach made me realize that there is no world in which I could continue to exist without you by my side, Alec. I _need_ you more than I ever had the… emotional capacity to understand until I almost lost you for good.”

He wanted to apologize, to try and make up for the years of emotional hurt he’d unknowingly inflicted on his parabatai, but the words seemed caught in his throat. How could he even begin to make that right? How could Alec even still want him around after everything that had happened? Those were questions he couldn’t even begin to answer or say out loud, and instead, he fell quiet again, flipping his hand palm up to grasp Alec’s and hold it there. 

“I _love_ you,” was what he said instead, the words coming out slowly as he _finally_ allowed himself to feel the full weight of them, and what it would mean for their relationship now that it was out there. “Not as a brother, and not just because you’re my parabatai.” He flinched a little at that, remembering what he’d said when he’d confronted Alec after the incident with the memory demon, but gathered himself quickly, his gaze flickering up to Alec’s face. “It was _always_ you, I think I just… buried those feelings so deep that I forgot about them because I thought that was the only way to protect you from me.” 

He adjusted his position after that, every move measured and calculated and weighed against Alec’s reaction - every raised eyebrow, the way he’d cock his head to one side or the other, and the small smile that played at the corners of his mouth - as Jace swung a leg over his and turned so that they were facing each other again. The hand that had been resting on his side moved to cradle his jaw, gentler than he could ever remember being since first coming to live with the Lightwood’s. “I didn’t want to _destroy_ you, too, Alec. I didn’t want to give anyone a reason to try and take you away from me. And I’m _so sorry_ it took me so long to figure that out, and that I’m telling you this when you have someone who loves—”

Before he could finish speaking, and certainly before he’d managed to concoct a well-thought-out escape plan, Alec was lunging forward again. Their mouths met in a hard clash of lips and teeth and tongue, pulling a deep groan from somewhere in his chest as he returned the kiss with equal fervor, his hands moving over Alec’s body before slipping beneath the hem of his shirt and gripping his hips tightly. 

At that moment, nothing outside of the bubble they existed in mattered. It was only him and Alec, their bond and bodies hot and pulsing between them.

________________________________________

It was some time later - minutes or hours or days for all either of them had been aware - that the desperate kisses and touches had slowed to not much more than gentle caresses as the two men lay wrapped up in each other. Jace’s cheek rested atop Alec’s chest, the steady thumping of his heartbeat keeping him grounded in a way nothing else ever had. His thoughts were still impossible to rein in, flickering from one thing to the next much like a bee moving from flower to flower. There were still things they needed to talk about, and he said as much as he tilted his face towards Alec’s, lips brushing against the underside of his chin as he spoke.

Alec shuddered at the contact, nodding even as his hold on Jace tightened - unwilling to let him move any further than was absolutely necessary. His own thoughts were a whirlwind of confessions that he’d never intended on giving voice to, until now, and a soft sigh slipped out as he looked down at the man in his arms, marveling at the fact that this wasn’t a dream he would soon wake from.

“I… didn’t _mean_ to _love you_ like… _this_ ,” he started, years upon years of shame and guilt making his voice crack as he spoke. “I tried so hard not to, but there was never anything that made me more myself than the way I felt about you. Even after Magnus… and I tried, so hard, but at the first indication that maybe my feelings weren’t as unrequited as I always believed them to be…” He shrugged as he looked away, staring fixedly at the ceiling above them. “He _knew_. Of course he knew, and… he supported this. Encouraged it, even. Just wanted me to be happy even at the cost of his own happiness.”

“ _I’m sorry_ ,” Jace murmured softly, face buried against Alec’s chest as he thought about all the lives he’d upended without ever really meaning to. He’d never really considered just how much his impulsiveness affected those around him, but now it seemed as if that was the only thing he could focus on. “For hurting you and for hurting Magnus and… now we’re breaking the law, and I’m too selfish to even care about that because I want this to be _real_ more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

“I do, too, Jace. And I’m really past the point of caring about what the law says anymore anyway, not after all that we’ve been through recently. I can’t keep pretending my feelings for you aren’t what they are. I don’t want to, either.” 

This time it was Jace who initiated the kiss, though it was not much more than a barely-there brush of their lips. He shifted a moment later, moving so that he was fully resting atop Alec, their bodies pressed together in ways he’d tried so hard not to fantasize about. That he could have this seemed completely surreal, and the thought prompted him to pull away just far enough so that he could speak again. “Does this mean that… I mean, I know that it’ll be tricky and we’ll have to keep more secrets than we ever have before but… how can we go back to the way things were before now that we–”

Alec cut him off with another slow kiss, swallowing whatever sounds of protest Jace made until he was melting into it, greedily accepting everything that was being offered, whining at the back of his throat when Alec pulled away with a soft laugh and an even softer brush of his fingers along his jaw. “We’ll figure it out. _Together_.”

His eyes opened as he looked down at the man beneath him, knowing instinctively that the look of awe he saw on Alec’s face was a mirror image of his own. It was enough for Jace to forget about talking, at least for the time being, as their mouths met again.

________________________________________

The kisses they shared shifted between slow explorations of each other’s mouths - neither of them willing or able to move apart any further than was necessary to inhale gasping breaths - and the rushed, _messy_ slide of lips and tongues and teeth, sucking and biting and tugging with a desperation they’d never truly felt before. Their entire beings were just as attuned to one another in this as they had proven themselves to be in everything else. They rolled around atop the bed, pinning each other to the mattress much like they had been doing in training for most of their lives - with neither of them truly getting the upper-hand - the full weight of what that meant settled over them. It pulled a gasp from Jace’s kiss-swollen lips, and he settled more firmly against Alec, pressing just hard enough to force the other man into conceding - even if just for a moment.

He’d _wanted_ to say _something_ , but all thought had fled him at the very obvious evidence of Alec’s arousal pressed against him. His gaze flickered upward, eyes widened almost comically, only to shift with more purpose a moment later. A stuttered gasp fell from his lips as Jace was lost to the feelings - of love, of lust, and of an overwhelming need that begged to be sated - that thundered through his veins. The _want_ , coupled with the knowledge that he could _take_ \- which was reflected in Alec’s strong and sure grip on his hips - made Jace feel almost _mad_ with desire. 

There was nothing left but nearly-inexperienced instinct, at least on Jace’s part. In this, Alec was the much more capable one of the two, and without giving much thought to what he was doing, Jace shifted again. This time, it was to his side, hands gripping the collar of his parabatai’s shirt as he rolled to his back, pulling him along. It was somehow better like this, anyway. For as caged in as Jace would’ve felt in any other situation, with any other person, the same did not ring true when it was Alec’s weight atop his. Though the actions were new, the position was more than just familiar - borne from years of training together. His clever and cunning hands held him by the hips as Alec leaned in for yet another kiss - this one with slightly more finesse behind it - and Jace was quick to reciprocate.

If he’d been able to utter a single word aside from the breathy mantra of Alec’s name as he panted and moaned, his mouth pressed against his cheek, the curve of his jaw, or his swollen, red lips, his plea would’ve been a simple one: _don’t stop_. Every impatient shift of his hips, rolling and thrusting upward against Alec’s all too willing movements, and every sound an unending, almost-indecipherable stream, was nothing but a plea for _more_ \- for something he _knew_ he needed, but was too distracted to put a name to. 

As with everything else, and with their bond more alive between them than it had been in years, Alec didn’t _need_ words to guide his actions. He could read Jace like the most enthralling book he’d ever had the privilege of holding in his hands. Between the overwhelming amount of _want_ that surrounded them, becoming an almost-tangible entity in the room, and the desperate sounds and movements Jace made with every touch and every kiss, it was easy - _too easy_ , perhaps - for Alec to turn his mind off and do what came naturally instead. 

Despite the many things Jace _wanted_ to say, a history of apologies piled up on the top of his tongue, no words were necessary - especially not at the feel of Alec’s lips pressed against the faded scar over his heart. 

After that, the rest of their clothes were shed with little fanfare, discarded to the side of the bed and forgotten before they’d even hit the floor. He hadn’t _expected_ the night to come to this, hadn’t even _dared_ to _hope_ for it when there was so much at risk, but nothing had ever felt more _natural_ , more reaffirming, than this.

________________________________________

It was anyone’s guess how they’d managed to remain undisturbed, but as the first rays of sunlight filtered in through the windows, the worry had settled back into the pit of Jace’s stomach. He’d meant it when he’d said that he didn’t care about the repercussions of their actions, the myriad of secrets they’d be forced to keep because of the confessions they’d made and all that had transpired over the course of the last several hours, but that didn’t change the fact that they were breaking the law. It didn’t matter that it was a law that made little sense when one really took the time to think about it, nor did it matter that he _knew_ without the shadow of a doubt that Alec felt the exact same way - that they were in this _together_ \- when the consequences could spell their end. Already, his thoughts were spinning, plotting, searching for the safety net of plausible deniability - for Alec, at least, because Jace could live with any punishment so long as his parabatai was _safe_ \- even when he knew there was none to be had.

It took the gentle caress of calloused fingers along the side of his face to pull him from those quickly spiraling thoughts, and when he met Alec’s gaze with his own, everything else seemed to fall away. “ _Stop thinking_ ,” was the only admonition Alec offered, words barely above a whisper as he leaned in for a kiss. 

It was easy enough for Jace to give in to the distraction, the tension melting away at the press of their lips and Alec’s sure grip on the curve of his jaw. The thoughts were still there, though, lingering at the peripheries of his mind, forcing him to pull away from the kiss with a shallow gasp, forehead resting against Alec’s as he opened his eyes. He had more questions than he had the capacity to put into words, but they all came down to one thing: “Are you _sure_ … about this… _me_?”

Alec shifted at that, rolling onto his back and pulling Jace along with a firm press of his palm. His fingers traced absently across his shoulders and down his spine. The silence dragged on for far longer than Jace would’ve been comfortable with in any other situation, but his parabatai’s touch was enough to ease whatever worry he felt. Instead, he moved closer, shuddering at the skin-on-skin contact even as he tried not to let that distract him from the conversation - a task made that much more difficult at the twitch of Alec’s lips and the barely suppressed groan that followed.

“Wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t,” Alec finally answered as he met Jace’s wide-eyed gaze. “It’s just… I’m tired of us losing each other to one thing or another and even though _this_ ,” he paused briefly as he leaned in for another quick kiss, a soft hum following as he shifted back again. “Doesn’t guarantee that'll stop… Knowing what it’s like and knowing that you feel the same? I can’t go back, I can’t pretend it hasn’t changed _everything_. I care about you far more than I do anything or anyone else, and the rest is just… an inconvenience that we’ll work around.” His shoulders lifted and fell in an attempt at a shrug, his voice dropping to an almost whisper as he continued after a moment, gaze lingering on a spot across the room. “Assuming that… that’s something you want to, of course. I won’t presume to–”

Whatever it was Alec had been about to say was cut off as Jace clambered on top of him, hips pressing down unintentionally and making them both groan louder than was safe. Despite that, he still somehow managed to maintain a halfway-indignant expression, his head canting slightly to one side as he regarded Alec for a moment, silently taking in all the little things about him - like the flecks of gold in his eyes or the way his nose twitched when he was trying to restrain himself - that he’d never paid much attention to before. Jace shook himself from the thought as he stretched out atop Alec slowly, and tucked his head beneath his chin, already pressing biting kisses to the bare expanse of flesh. He had never been known for his self-restraint, always doing what he wanted, when he wanted, consequences be damned. So if Alec was all in, and wanted _this_ just as bad, he could see no reason to stop himself from doing the same; from taking what they both wanted. 

They’d figure it out as Alec had said. _Together_. As long as they had each other, Jace was certain that they always would. It could end badly, that much was something he knew they were both sure of, but Jace was equally as certain that whatever happened, whatever consequences befell them, it would be _worth_ it. 

And as they fell into the rhythmic push and pull of their bodies, soft moans and breathy gasps filling the air around them, there was no doubt in Jace’s mind that he _would_ give everything up so long as it meant he could keep Alec. 

Nothing else mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This here was my first foray back into the world of fanfiction in about a decade and, I won't lie, even though it's been written and shared in its entirety, I'm _still_ nervous about sharing it. But I enjoyed writing it and, as of right now, this is only part one of a series that I've been tentatively plotting in my head for a few months now. If it comes to pass, I hope any of you who has enjoyed reading this sticks around to read the continuation someday (hopefully) soon. The story was, in part, inspired by the chorus of James Bay's [Running](https://youtu.be/lZ-h5AZ3YAU) and [Us](https://youtu.be/s31XTrGJchQ).
> 
> That said, thank you to those who've read and left kudos. They're more appreciated than you know.


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